Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
