I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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