I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
