you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
