That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
People in love make me want to vomit
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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