I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
