Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Let's get the cat blown out
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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