I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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