Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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