I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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