you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
