i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
