I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
