remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Verdict: uncircumcised.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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