My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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