I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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