I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
