I think I won the penis lottery.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Acid is not a monday night drug
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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