did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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