I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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