I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
