Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Let's get the cat blown out
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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