God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
