My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
