i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
