atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
