Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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