i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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