Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
