Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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