are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
