tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
