How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
