sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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