Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
