thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I am one with the molecules
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
