How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
