Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
