The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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