There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
