you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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