I just gift wrapped bread.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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