literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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