i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
