I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
