Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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