You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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