I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
