The best revenge is premature balding
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
