I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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