so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
