He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
