If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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